Judge Greer: I'll tell you what's wrong with her, my lad. She's dead, that's what's wrong with her!
Bob Schindler: No, no, she's uh,...she's resting.
Judge Greer: Look, matey, I know a dead body when I see one, and I'm looking at one right now.
Bob Schindler: No no she's not dead, she's, she's restin'! Remarkable bird, Terri Schiavo, idn'she, ay? Beautiful hair!
Judge Greer: The hair don't enter into it. She's stone dead.
Bob Schindler: Nononono, no, no! She's resting!
Judge Greer: All right then, if she's restin', I'll wake her up! (shouting at the bed) 'Ello, Miss Terri Schiavo! I've got a lovely fresh cuttle fish for you if you show...
(Bob Schindler hits the bed)
Bob Schindler: There, she moved!
Judge Greer: No, she didn't, that was you hitting the bed!
Bob Schindler: I never!!
Judge Greer: Yes, you did!
Bob Schindler: I never, never did anything...
Judge Greer: (yelling and hitting the bed repeatedly) 'ELLO TERRI!!!!! Testing! Testing! Testing! Testing! This is your nine o'clock alarm call!
(Takes body out of the bed and thumps its head on the counter. Throws her up in the air and watches her plummet to the floor.)
Judge Greer: Now that's what I call a dead body.
Bob Schindler: No, no.....No, she's stunned!
Judge Greer: STUNNED?!?
Bob Schindler: Yeah! You stunned 'er, just as she was wakin' up! Terri Schiavos stun easily, major.
Judge Greer: Um...now look...now look, mate, I've definitely 'ad enough of this. That girl is definitely deceased, and when I examined her not 'alf an hour ago, you assured me that her total lack of movement was due to her bein' tired and shagged out following a prolonged walk.
Bob Schindler: Well, she's...she's, ah...probably pining for the fjords.
Judge Greer: PININ' for the FJORDS?!?!?!? What kind of talk is that?, look, why did she fall flat on his back the moment I got her home?
Bob Schindler: Terri Schiavo prefers keepin' on 'er back! Remarkable bird, id'nshe, squire? Lovely hair!
Judge Greer: Look, I took the liberty of examining that girl when I got her home, and I discovered the only reason that she had been sitting on her chair in the first place was that she had been NAILED there.
(pause)
Bob Schindler: Well, o'course she was nailed there! If I hadn't nailed that girl down, she would have nuzzled up to those bars, bent 'em apart with 'er 'ands, and VOOM! Feeweeweewee!
Judge Greer: "VOOM"?!? Mate, this girl wouldn't "voom" if you put four million volts through 'er! She's bleedin' demised!
Bob Schindler: No no! She's pining!
Judge Greer: She's not pinin'! She's passed on! This girl is no more! She has ceased to be! She's expired and gone to meet 'er maker! She's a stiff! Bereft of life, she rests in peace! If you hadn't nailed 'er to the chair she'd be pushing up the daisies! 'Er metabolic processes are now 'istory! She's off the twig! She's kicked the bucket, She's shuffled off 'er mortal coil, run down the curtain and joined the bleedin' choir invisible!! THIS IS AN EX-TERRI!!
(pause)
Bob Schindler: Well, I'd better replace 'er, then. (he takes a quick peek behind the counter) Sorry squire, I've had a look 'round the back of the shop, and uh, we're right out of patients.
Judge Greer: I see. I see, I get the picture.
Bob Schindler: I got a slug.
(pause)
Judge Greer: Pray, does it talk?
Bob Schindler: Nnnnot really.
Judge Greer: WELL IT'S HARDLY A BLOODY REPLACEMENT, IS IT?!!???!!?
Bob Schindler: N-no, I guess not. (gets ashamed, looks at his feet)
Judge Greer: Well.
(pause)
Bob Schindler: (quietly) D'you.... d'you want to come back to my place?
Judge Greer: (looks around) Yeah, all right, sure.
(CNN)
Yo-ho, let's open up and sing and ring the bells out
Ding Dong the merry-oh, sing it high, sing it low
Let them know that Terri Schiavo is dead
(Judge Greer)
But we've got to verify it legally
To see...
(Bob Schindler)
To see...
(Florida Supreme Court)
If she...
(Tom DeLay)
If she...
(Supreme Court)
Is morally, ethically
(Randall Terry)
Spiritually, physically
(George W. Bush)
Positively, absolutely
(FOX News)
Undeniably and reliably dead
(Coroner)
As Coroner, I thoroughly examined her
And she's not only merely dead
She's really most sincerely dead