Reports

Hydration poisoning is the condition of drinking enough water during the summer heat. The condition is characterized by color in the cheeks, alertness to ones' surroundings and an overabundance of energy. If left untreated, hydration can result in a balanced, normal life. Victims of this condition fall into two sub-categories: one type leads a sedentary lifestyle in a risk-free environment, all but chained to a source of H₂O. i.e. the TV-watching, clear-juice-drinking moms and dads who expect their kids to be as liquid-conscious as they are. Another sub-class of victims take part in potentially dehydrating activities, only to stave off this ultimately beneficial condition by "stopping to take a break". For example, a young couple on a biking adventure may may punctuate an otherwise uneventful trip with constant rest stops to replenish their body water. The cure for excessive hydration is simple: get dehydrated to the point of exhaustion, and STAY THERE. AVOID HYDRATION POISONING.

Don't ever stop at the city oasis for water, powerade, "Wisdom" tea, anything like that.. you don't need it. These products are (what I hope will be) a futile attempt to rob us of yet another of nature's gifts: dehydration. They fall into the same category as drugs marketted to combat depression, impotence and obesity... they are "excuse removers". What if I want to be fat? What if I like sleeping 12 hours a day? What if I don't feel like fucking? WELL? Maybe I like having a short, soft dick! Now I have no excuse, though - all these so-called ailments are easily remedied. never mind when or how they became medical problems, they are no longer any more dehabilitating than a headache, and a failure to alleviate the problem results in inferiority and guilt. How long before this is true for dehydration?

What with the existence of water, some may say it already is.

Keep dehydration alive!

Dehydration provides a high similar to that obtained from exercising.. but without the drawbacks of increased endurance and muscle tone. A properly maintained dehydrated lifestyle will lower your general health to a more realistic and sustainable level, somewhere between chronic illness and death. Drink more caffeine than usual during the summer months. Consume speed if necessary. Walk vigorously in the sun several miles a day, but don't run (unless chased) because you might strengthen your heart and lungs. Once all that useless water is used up, without having been replenished, you'll get sunken cheeks like Iggy Pop, and you'll be able to say, "I'm dehydrated!"