FULLERTON, CA--
As initially reported in
The Onion, Dr. Thomas R. Kress at California State University Tuesday announced the near-completion of Project Awry, to list everything that can go wrong.
Ironically, the list pictured in the article has an omitted word and a grammatical error, and the examples mentioned in the article conflict in voice with the pictured list. The discrepancies in voice have been corrected in the listing below, but the typos originating with Project Awry remain.
- cement truck with soft brakes cuts swath of destruction across quiet suburban subdivision
- shirt cuff snags on door latch
- neglect the maintenance of reactor cooling system, leading to core meltdown
- after annoying friend not invited to party, acquaintance from work brings that friend as a date
- knock a cup of coffee off a counter with a light jerk of the wrist
- break a tooth while comically pretending to bite down on the Great Pyramid of Giza
- lower lifeboats into the water when they are only filled to half capacity
- trip on cable and fall to floor with broken ankle while angrily storming off set of 24
- build shanty on hillside instead of floodplain in anticipation of monsoon season, then get buried in erosion-triggered mudslide anyway
- accidentally break off hand of Infant Of Prague statuette while gently trying to clean it with cotton swab and soapy water
- briefs get wedged in area between bureau drawers and base unit, making
- it difficult to dislodge them
- sleep with neck twisted awkwardly, resulting in headache
- absent-mindedly discard bus ticket with tissue
- place fingers too close to prongs while plugging in night-light, resulting in mild electrical shock
- run in stocking
- nuclear annihilation of planet
- phone system down
- balloon floats away
- glass eye falls out during speech
- condom breaks
- hairdresser quits
- wolverine attacks child
- White Strips release bad album
- lose $60 at bus stop
- fatal heart attack
- meat goes bad
- floor collapses
- tsunami
- train wreck kills hundreds
- comet hits earth
- ammo runs out
- gored by moose
- fan belt breaks on interstate
- sour cream runs out
- gassy
- mother-in-law hates you
- hamburger tastes charred
- ignored by waiter
- check gets lost in mail
- $2 winning scratch-off washed with pants
- get caught in middle of knife fight
- humidity makes hair frizzy
- cola explodes all over you
- UPS package isn't for you
- gas grill explodes all over you
- neck breaks while clowning around
- Livestrong bracelet gets caught in revolving door
- everyone finds out you're a fraud
- leg cramps up in middle of big game
- strike out with bases loaded
- boss catches you masturbating in your office
- earth gets thrown off axis
- plane gets hijacked
- girlfriend's new friend cuter, funnier
- pen dries out in middle of class
- laptop battery loses charge
- favorite bill gets vetoed
- asshole paints swastika on Hillel center
- oversleep on first day of work
- neighborhood goes to seed
- double-dutch jump rope [sic]
- meeting with ambassador postponed
- greeting card not a Hallmark
- water doesn't taste like water at all
- attempts to help poor perceived as racists
- suffer second-degree burns trying to set toppled candle in jack-o-lantern upright
- rescue operation fails when helicopter blade tips strike water tower
- die of exposure after unknowingly taking more arduous path to summit
- bite violently down on inside of cheek while eating sloppy joe
- get chortchanged at charity bake sale
- blind date repulsed by toenail parings on futon
- mother throws out beloved old stuffed hippo
- leg gets amputated by dredger chain
- wrong backing-vocals tape played
- final exam directions misinterpreted
- real mother appears out of nowhere
- friends, family learn the truth
- drunk tattoo artist uses Dremel tool instead of needle
- president roofied
- lycanthropy turns out to be real
- one of your legs grows four inches
- pants stay unzipped all day
- nosebleed unnoticed for first 10 minutes of wedding
- batteries in remote control die
- favorite song used in aerosol-cheese ad
- toilet paper stuck to shoe when firemen rescues [sic] you
--R. K. Jamesson, M.D., Medical Correspondent
June 19, 2005
