ST. LOUIS--
Stay delirious
* DON'T DRINK ENOUGH WATER THIS SUMMER *
Don't sleep
Hydration poisoning is the condition of drinking enough water during
the summer heat. The condition is characterized by color in the
cheeks, alertness to ones' surroundings and an overabundance of
energy. If left untreated, hydration can result in a balanced, normal
life. Victims of this condition fall into two sub-categories: one
type leads a sedentary lifestyle in a risk-free environment, all but
chained to a source of H2O. i.e. the TV-watching, clear-juice-drinking
moms and dads who expect their kids to be as liquid-conscious as they
are. Another sub-class of victims take part in potentially
dehydrating activities, only to stave off this ultimately beneficial
condition by "stopping to take a break". For example, a young couple
on a biking adventure may may punctuate an otherwise uneventful trip
with constant rest stops to replenish their body water. The cure for
excessive hydration is simple: get dehydrated to the point of
exhaustion, and STAY THERE. AVOID HYDRATION POISONING.
Don't ever stop at the city oasis for water, powerade, "Wisdom" tea,
anything like that.. you don't need it. These products are (what I
hope will be) a futile attempt to rob us of yet another of nature's
gifts: dehydration. They fall into the same category as drugs
marketted to combat depression, impotence and obesity... they are
"excuse removers". What if I want to be fat? What if I like sleeping
12 hours a day? What if I don't feel like fucking? WELL? Maybe I like
having a short, soft dick! Now I have no excuse, though - all these
so-called ailments are easily remedied. never mind when or how they
became medical problems, they are no longer any more dehabilitating
than a headache, and a failure to alleviate the problem results in
inferiority and guilt. How long before this is true for dehydration?
What with the existence of water, some may say it already is.
Keep dehydration alive!
Dehydration provides a high similar to that obtained from
exercising.. but without the drawbacks of increased endurance and
muscle tone. A properly maintained dehydrated lifestyle will lower
your general health to a more realistic and sustainable level,
somewhere between chronic illness and death. Drink more caffeine than
usual during the summer months. Consume speed if necessary. Walk
vigorously in the sun several miles a day, but don't run (unless
chased) because you might strengthen your heart and lungs. Once all
that useless water is used up, without having been replenished, you'll
get sunken cheeks like Iggy Pop, and you'll be able to
say, "I'm dehydrated!"
--R. K. Jamesson, M.D., Medical Correspondent
March 10, 2002
