Up until recently, I’ve been sort of regretting leaving you all for fresh air and less than evil politicians. I’ve been living in a bit of a cultural void and have been dreaming of the move back home. I’m sure you’ve heard me kvetch. “I miss art! I miss excess! I miss nonwhite people! I miss single men!”
The reality, I am pleased to discover, is that I was really giving my all at living a humble existence. So as not to upset my Canadian comrades, there was a stint in a commune, the basement of a professor, an apartment complex for single mothers, it was all really one horrible manila stucco wall and beige carpet after another. But no longer! I got sick of feigning hippie-dom and decided to flex opulence for my last year in this fair country. I moved into a beautiful studio downtown and this is my call for you to come visit me in it.
“Flexing opulence” might be a bit strong when one considers the exchange rate, but it’s really quite lovely and I’ve got a spare bed. It’s funny, all of the Canadians who have come over so far have been flabbergasted by the lack of walls and keep giving me suggestions for dividing it up. Pah! I say. There will be no dividing! I think living in NYC makes people really covet open space, while here, in this country of few people and lots of land, coziness is something to strive for. Plus we can camp on the roof! No one will kill you, they’re Canadian.
If you still need more reasons, please find your corresponding sexual and gender identify among the list below:
To all the GAY BOYS:
Like so many cowboys hundreds of years ago, the northwest is your frontier. As I’ve written in previous spams, the gay guys here need signs. There’s simply no way to tell the rugged, Carhart-wearing, bearded, butt bangers from the rest of the guys. And as you can imagine, I both love them and hate them. One of my new friends is a fire fighter and a tree planter, as well as being newly single. Plus most of them are smart enough to realize that everyone should do yoga. Manifest your destiny my lovelies!
To all the STRAIGHT GUYS:
1) Vancouver Island has what are called “Island girls.” I think they are incredibly boring but they would be worth a ton in the romance economy in Manhattan; they have assists, if you know what I mean. Victoria is the single healthiest place in Canada, and their butts show it, so do their yoga pants. Everyone is tan and has that glow from living outside in good air. I’ve never seen so many natural blonds in my life. While my own natural pseudo blondness was worth a bit in that romance economy I remember fondly, it’s totally generic here and considered even less blond than it was back home.
2) There are far FAR more females living on Vancouver Island than males. Although it causes me much grief, it does make for interesting social dynamics to analyze. Girls here are, of course, sort of known for being easy. And the men who are single rather than settling for one of the ubiquitous females who are far too good for them, are sought after to the point that they get all up on themselves and are just generally lame if you’re interested in having sex with them. I have friends who go “wife shopping” at local craft markets on weekends. So a real, genuine, interesting, smart, funny guy who could dazzle the locals with well made clothes and stories of wild city antics would do amazingly well here, even on a weeknight.
3) All the better if you’re not white. Have you ever wanted to feel exotic? Have you ever wanted people to play with your hair and laugh because they were having so much fun? Have you ever wanted someone to feel your arm, look you at you, cock their head in amazement, and go on feeling? Well, Victorians are sweating with jungle fever, or rather, they would be if there were any people who were not white around. There are a lot of hippie, rich, guilty, politically-overcorrect leftists who would KILL to be able to have an actual black friend. Your opinion at a dinner party would be really really important. And the girls would see having sex with you as a political statement: “Don’t judge us MOM! We’re in LOVE” and all that. It could be fun.
To all the GAY GIRLS:
It’s a well known fact that when you have a population of all one sex, those who were teetering on the precipice of sexual experimentation go full blown homo. So the sexual dynamic mentioned above works in your favor as well. Everyone’s a lesbian. Eating pussy is practically a prerequisite for certain women’s studies classes. But what is interesting is that you have this female majority mixed with CRAZY leftist mindsets and you pretty much get a matriarchy run by dykes. I, personally, can’t stand them.
Given the cultural street cred given to non-whites, non-straights, and non-gendereds, looking like an actual female makes one an outcast from the gay girl community. Why? Did you think being a lesbian was only about muff diving? No no NO! It’s about dressing like a boy and being a dick! Politics and fashion. Lame-o. But if you have short hair, you will be welcomed with open arms and legs.
To all the STRAIGHT GIRLS:
We can go to the beach, it’s really lovely.
But romance aside, I LIVE IN A RAIN FOREST PEOPLE! Yes, a real one. It has moss and crazy ferns and waterfalls and everything. Plus some of the trees are thousands of years old, with whole ecosystems in their branches. The single most spiritual experience I’ve ever had was walking into their company. The energy is palpable.
Also, it’s worth remembering that marijuana is the single largest export of British Columbia for a reason. The coffee and beer here are also amazing. I don’t know what it is about the west coast that they take their substance usage so seriously but I’m now a huge snob of all items mentioned, and you can be too!
So there’s my argument. Sex. Air. Out of control photosynthesis. Public pot smoking. A fabulous place to stay. And me!
You’ve got one year left. I’m driving back home next spring. I’m teaching until the end of June but have a flexible schedule. Mid to late summer would really be ideal. Get yer grey butts out here while you can. Plus I miss you like crazy.
Sending you cross-continental love vibes,
~ alex