kband: bluprnt 4 rvolution

A war with Yochai

Occasionally I get bored with my life and set about finding cute guys to write lengthy and flirty emails with. Even if they're far away, it just gives me an optimistic feeling when I turn on my computer, you know?

So anyway, my brother had this friend Yochai who I met in New York. He was a philosophy major from LA and thus the first thing he said to me was about my armpit hair and why I didn't shave. (let it be known that he has a beard). Debate ensued! It was heated! I left for Canada and a while later considered him a good candidate for an email affair. Alas, it digressed in to a mud slinging WAR! I was called a "goat sucking wench"!

But the whole thing is hilarious in retrospect and I posted it for your amusement. Let it be a warning to those who think it could ever be a good idea to put a gender studies major and a philosophy major from LA in the same room.

The entire thing is in "more"

hi yochai,
i was stalking my brother's friends and came across you. i'm gabe's little sister - the combative one with the pit hair - remember? anyways, i've since moved to canada and i thought i would let you know that no one shaves here, not even the men, not even into beard designs. it's partly nice that everyone's so chill but it get's quite dull at times...i miss fashion and people that argue rather than sitting around agreeing with each other. so thanks, for arguing with me, because i've grown to cherish what discussions i've had in the past seeing as my future looks awash with intellectual masturbation... ah well, at least the air is breathable...
~ rebecca

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Dear Rebecca,

Don't worry - the whole thing is a wash - even the people who argue. They too will soon end up in some kind of rut, squabbling about the good 'ol days - regurgitating the same cliches (while pointing out what they are doing, as they're doing it, for fear of being found out, so they reveal themselves early on - but little do they know that no one gives a damn anyhow.)

Just be good to yourself - shave/don't shave, whatever, just know that what ever you do - whether by attraction (or motivated by repulsion) you (and I - and all of “Gods” beautiful creatures) will eventually find root and refuse to venture out - for our own system will have served us well for too long - let's all hope it's a good one!

Be safe and if one day you are tempted to shave - don't be afraid - embrace the fear for the hair can always grow back!

Sincerely,
Yochai
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what? what does this mean, “will eventually find root and refuse to venture out - for our own system will have served us well for too long”? is this some philosophy jargon i am not privy to?

regardless, yochai, i think it would behoove you, and possibly the women in your life, to shave your underarms. just to see how it feels, what type of effort it requires, and in general to further your empathy. do it in winter, when no tank tops shall reveal your trial. BUT, once is simply not enough, the feeling of a razor scraping the skin off of ingrown hairs is priceless, as is the sting of deodorant on said exposed follicles. you'll have to shave at least once a week for at least a month. but who knows, maybe you'll grow to like it... it does seem the number of hetero men rejecting all body hair and lining up for waxing is increasing exponentially... you could be ahead of the curve!

i hear the boys in LA are already waxing off their beard designs... get excited for the pure joy that is aesthetically enforced gender roles, they're comin your way baby. ok, enough of that. you know, i stole your CD from my brother and the zeppelin remix continues to impress me. it's actually my fave zep song, that and cashmere. i only wish it was longer and you didnt mix out so fast.

thanks regardless,
~ reb
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Dear Rebecca,

Well allow me to retort:

”will eventually find root and refuse to venture out - for our own system will have served us well for too long”; is not philosophy jargon. As I’m sure you’ve witnessed – perhaps even by direct experience, that most people, the older they get, have “rooted” themselves in the way in which they process the world (optimist, realist, pessimist, masochist, etc.) They will, as a result, forget to every once in a while, reevaluate the changing times and realize the one constant is change (of course depending on which philosophy jargon they are clinging to).

Regarding your whole suggestion for me (and perhaps all men) to shave their armpit to suffer the slings and arrows of that outrageous misfortune that you women must bear – how about shaving your face every day, depending on the speed of the shadow, and to bear all the nicks and burns for the world to see (with tiny pieces of tissue paper). But I assume you’ve already empathized with us in that regard. (Please don’t bring up bearing children, when it comes to that, you’ve got us hands down – unless you give credit to passing a stone.)

The shaving curve among men is probably only a curve for its media exposure (I don’t know what you’ve been reading). Have you considered occupations such as: bodybuilding, bicycling, swimming, wrestling, just to name a few (and not to mention the ever increasing in popularity: adult performer).

Other than that – just don’t get the fear. I’m glad you liked the Led Zeppelin and I certainly will try to sustain the mix for longer next time.

Sincerely,
Yochai

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Dear Yochai,

Yes, but say my state of rooted-ness is one of acceptance of fluidity? What if I am stuck in my approval of ambiguous gender roles? I once dated the most macho man ever, who insisted on trimming all of his body hair... Does that make me a hypocrite? Of course at the moment my proclivity for hairy men hedges fetishism, so given the typicality of the stereotype, does that make me a hypocrite? Am I fated and required as well to reevaluate my far too open policy on corporeal hygiene?

I’m bating you – be careful. You must always be careful around women like me that aren’t hippies...

Regarding shaving your face every day, I simply cannot imagine the annoyance. Which is why, were I born a man, I wouldn’t. Possibly into long goatees and lamb chops once in a while for fun, but in general, I can assure you, the non-shaving policy would cross the gender lines.

PLUS, last year I came to the *painful* realization that it is the DUTY of those of you with exceptionally virile follicles NOT to shave your chins if you care at all for the skin of those you are making out with.

But this is exactly why you perplex me: because you seem to have opted for the less-socially acceptable, more comfortable path regarding hair. Yet you also seem to prefer (require?) women to adhere to less convenient, more typical feats of beauty. I’ve met many a man like yourself and all of you seem at odds with logic. Regarding shaving among men, I must admit my statistics come from my own social circle – which is arguably a completely skewed portion of the population given how many homos I surround myself with. BUT, I have noticed it in the straights as well: look at any men’s magazine, Maxim included, and you will be hard pressed to find a lick of chest hair on the men. People who pamper themselves are more profitable, so cultivating them is in the companies’ interests... Your sons will buy fragrant hand lotion, just you wait...

And as for said “fear,” I actually shaved like 4 years ago just to see what it was like. I didn’t like it – it’s ITCHY! And it made my skin dry and it only lasted for like a day. Plus body hair on a woman like myself has it uses, mostly to fend off men with unrealistic fantasies of femininity, you should see the power of the underarm on some drunk at a bar, the yawn stretch is one of my favorite moves... It’s fuckin funny...

All the best,
~ Rebecca
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Dear Rebecca,

You’re an evil goat-sucking witch. You should be tied at the stakes and properly flogged (like back in the hay-day, satisfying whatever freakish fetishes you may have at this particular time). You should be killed for using words like proclivity – have you no shame?

Before I forget, I am certain that my dear unborn boy (god bless his little imaginary heart) will undoubtedly (if you know his old man) use lotion much earlier than needed for reasons that do not need to be discussed – we’re all adults here, aren’t we? Well, are we?

Perhaps not you, sticking to your ludicrous schemes, worrying about your “hypocrisy”; – at least just on the surface. Come now Becky, you know you relish those statements purely as absolution from your guilt ridden complex about giving Adam the apple and fucking up utopia for the rest of us. Don’t push you’re yeast infested deny-I’m-a-hippie-‘cause-it’s-too-sheik mentality.

I paid at the office and we have too many crazy bitches running around as it is. I am in L.A. though and have possibly been led astray by the foul stench in the hair – mainly from sweaty hairy armpits (but I could be wrong).

Enough for now – you’ve gotten me thoroughly upset by this whole inane gimp like banter of yours – bouncing off the walls, making about as much sense as a neutered dog trying to “get some”. Live your world – by god! It must be a fantastic delusion.

Until next time,
Yochai
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Goat sucking bitch is one thing, but listen, no one calls me Becky. No one. Not even boys who get angry at people who like flowery language but insist on tired clichés like “I paid at the office” before falling into desperate attempts to avoid a comeback by lashing out insults most likely concocted to get you an interview on the Man Show. Good luck - I hear they have a peeing contest if the whole word thing doesn’t work out for you.

As for hypocrisy - I hate to say it, but you’re right. I could care less. I guess it was more of an attempt to preempt some sort of comeback on your part, but your feeble paroxysm has assuaged me of that particular trepidation. Oh, I’m sorry, did I say “feeble paroxysm,” I meant impetuous, floccinaucinihilipilificated cacophony.

And listen, Yochai, you simply MUST recognize the hypocrisy of living in LA while crying out accusations of delusions of reality. I picture you on the beach, sun blazing down, surrounded by tall women with firm asses, short men with toupees, and people who generally believe oversized dj shits are only for those cursed with a less than perfect physique....you have your fist raised in defiance, brow furrowed in conviction, and for what? To equate a woman with a leg-humping dog? This is what you use your $100,000 degree for?

You seem very fed up with something. I’m guessing it's us crazy bitches running circles around and around you. I can see how that would be an all too often occurrence in your life; it must be exhausting. I really do feel sorry for you, as philosophy has made you volatile (if I said “irascible,” would it too make you angry easily?). But don't mistake pity for guilt, sucka.

Quite Sincerely,
~ Rebecca
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Jesus Becky....er....Rebecca,

Don't burst a blood vessel. I saw that big sucker on the side of your neck, pulsing away, in pace with your strokes, all the way from here - last night, in my dreams. The horrible pulsing vein, ready to burst - it now all makes all sense. Roswell is bullshit, Jimi Hendrix killed Morrison, and now....oh....lost track of focus. I forgot what I was going to write! Fuck me....oh yes....I was concerned for your very neck, which by all means would gladly get rid of that bulbous object above it - it kept it awake at night, over hearing babbling about strange plans, rehearsed plans: plans to take over the world. Where was I? Oh yes, your bulbous head.

I guess my point is make sure there's a nice bag of Thorazine by your side next time you type. I will not be held liable for any injuries (real or imagined) you may sustain in your moment of revolt. Don't throw up on me baby! C'mon, who're you mad at? A little unchecked aggression?

Until next time, fair well in your heart, because...well, you don't want an early heart attack, do you?

Sincerely,
Yochai
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[I write something very mean about his low self esteem and how I’m surprised he hasn’t told me I just need to get laid] but didn’t save it
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Rebecca wrote:

um, i just reread what i wrote and i think my “self exteem” comment may have been excessively mean. i am sorry about that. i obviously don't know you well enough to say that with conviction. and if i did, i most likely wouldn't.

not that you would care anyways.

but, once again, forget i ever said anything,
~ Rebecca

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Dear Rebecca,

Overestimating? Projecting? The whole thing's a wash anyhow - dontcha know dat by now?

Never backpedal - nothing's mean - you could have easily justified it in a 101 ways to make you feel better about you comments in the morning. No hard feelings - but reading your previous tirade, perhaps I didn't have that great of an impact on you, but something certainly did - no worry, everyone has their moments, as fleeting as they may be.

Don't be so hard on yourself - we've all “been there”;, “done that”;. Good. Bad. I'm the guy with the gun.

Regarding the getting laid thing. Hell! I've never said that phrase in my entire life -
although it has been said to me. I'd usually paraphrase it: “;you seem like you need a release”;, the man said and coyly smiles at her burning red cheeks.

Tally-ho. Until next time,
Yochai

P.S. “Out of the crooked timbre of humanity, no straight thing was ever made.”
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FIN.

Posted by bluprnt at December 10, 2004 04:13 PM