REPUBLICAN NATIONAL COMMITTEE
New York, NY
CONVENTION SCHEDULE
6:00 PM Opening Prayer led by the Reverend Jerry Fallwell
6:30 PM Pledge of Allegiance (twice)
6:35 PM Burning of Bill of Rights (excluding 2nd amendment)
6:45 PM Salute to the Coalition of the Willing
6:46 PM Seminar #1: "Getting your kid a military deferment"
7:40 PM EPA Address #1: Mercury, it's what's for dinner
8:00 PM Vote on which country to invade next
8:10 PM Call EMTs to revive Rush Limbaugh
8:15 PM John Ashcroft Lecture: "The Homos are after your children"
8:30 PM Round table discussion on reproductive rights (MEN only)
8:50 PM Seminar #2: Corporations: The government of the future
9:00 PM Condi Rice sings "Can't Help Lovin' That Man"
9:10 PM EPA Address #2: "Trees: The real cause of forest fires"
9:30 PM Break for secret meetings
10:00 PM Second prayer led by Cal Thomas
10:15 PM Lecture by Karl Rove: "Doublespeak made easy"
10:30 PM Rumsfeld demonstration of how to squint and talk macho
10:35 PM Bush demonstration of trademark "deer in headlights" stare
10:40 PM John Ashcroft demonstrates new mandatory Kevlar chastity belt
10:45 PM Clarence Thomas reads list of Black Republicans
10:46 PM Seminar #3: "Education: a drain on our nation's economy."
11:10 PM Hillary Clinton Piņata
11:20 PM Second Lecture by John Ashcroft: "Evolutionists: The
dangerous new cult"
11:30 PM Call EMTs to revive Rush Limbaugh again.
11:35 PM Blame Clinton
11:40 PM Laura serves milk and cookies
11:50 PM Closing Prayer led by Jesus Himself
12:00 AM Nomination of George W. Bush as Holy Supreme Planetary
Overlord