so, the tour of burma consisted of a circuit, beginning in yangoon, heading north to inle lake (which is filled with fisherman who stand on one leg at the front of their canoe, and then hold an oar and row with the other leg, freeing their hands for fishing), then west to mandaly (home of the worst food consumed anywhere in the world by civilized humans. no shit. You can buy 5 dead baby sparrows, threaded onto a bamboo stick, and burnt almost beyond recognition for about a nickel.), south to bagan (land of awe-inspiring ancient temples, and the worlds most gifted sales-children.) and finally the rest of the way south back to yangoon. Being completely naive as to the language, money, and etiquette of burma, we felt it would be wise to hire a driver for the first portion of the trip, and if we found him to ba an asset, we could hire him for the remainder. a friend reccomended a good guide, who was currently busy entertaining some swiss tourists, but he assured us that his brother and law, "Aung" could provide us with unparalleled services. (i interpreted "unparalleled" as a word being interchangeable with "excellent", or maybe "indispensable" but, as it turns out, "unparalleled" isn't an absolutely positive term. it's just another way of saying "unique") Our first disappointment with aung was discovering that he didn't speak english, and that communication as we know it would revert back from a spoken language, to a creative, game-like system involving hand gestures, animal noises, and improvised drawings. ....and we were off...
The first on our agenda was food. Fortunately, there are hand gestures for "eat" which are trans-cultural. Unfortunately, it was about 11 o'clock at night, and our selection of restaurants which were open at that hour was very limited. or maybe Aung, as it turns out, has a sense of humor. after a short ride, we pulled up in front of "EMPEROR" a chinese karaoke restaurant. now, if you're picturing "EMPEROR" in a nice font, paying homage to an era when a small country flourished under a beloved monarch, you have the wrong impression.more accurately, it was "EMPEROR" ,written in giant, jagged, neon-green and dripping with blood, death-metal scythe font. once through the door, we were led into a large, dimly lit room by a troop of about 5 eager waiters. it was dark, and had high ceilings, in the middle of which hung one dusty, yet determined disco ball. the walls were illuminated by black-light alone, and scrawled with neon paintings of cross-eyed tigers, epileptic butterflies, and limping dragons. Imagine shel-silverstein was hired to decorate a death-metal roller-rink, and that's where our trusty guide led us to dine. Upon being seated at one of the 50 tables, we instantly captured the drunken gazes of all 3 customers. Soon, the entertainment value of the tattooed round-eyes was superceded by that of the 15ish year-old girl on stage who was pouring her little heart out to a burmese cover of a quiet-riot song that i haven't known the name of since 7th grade. We were serenaded throughout our meal by a repertoire which included, but certainly wasn't limited to, burmese versions of bon jovi, debbie gibson, and julio iglesias. Abruptly, the power in that part of the city went out, signaling the end of the night's entertainment. our waiter stood guard at our table with a lighter in hand, illuminating our last few bites, and making sure we had no troubles reading the bill. As i tried to figure out the denominations of each bill, the other 3 patrons managed to lift themselves out of their chairs, and were shuffling towards the door. I could hear them finishing the last few versus of "cherry pie" in burmese, as they, all three of them, piled on to one little honda scooter and rode off. After settling the check, i asked Aung if it was customary to tip in burma. "tip?"....he stared at me with a practiced look of bewilderment. "yeah, you know, dinner, two-dollars, but sometimes leave a little extra for the waiter"...."oh!, yes...understand" he then calls the waiter over and asks him if he would like us to leave him some extra money. that was the last time i turned to our guide for financial advice.
i'll write more later, there's eatin' to be done...
love as always,
scott