Alright, boys. Enough already. Lupus, Cunctator, pipe down. I threw 'em. It was me. You forced me out of my miserable cave of self-loathing, second guesses, smugness and illicit profit. All that's left is to come clean.

Back in '69, out on that river, I said to myself, I said, "Self, you pop these on over and, come 2004, you'll 've done somethin' huge for our boy John." Then I thought, "Either that, or you'll 've done somethin' huge for our boy George… which is also fine, as long as you value money." Either way it pleased my future election-savvy self to peaches, seeing as how it was all just a big ol' charade anyway. Viet-what? Oh, come on!

But I tell ya' somethin': it gets worse. Yep. Not only did I play a key role in somethin' I even then assumed would some day blossom into a full-scale conspiracy, full o’ all sorts o' underhanded smearin', not-so-under-the-table bank-rollin' and a possible second-straight heist of our national elections…

I'm also from Massachusetts. Damn me!!!! Why do they even let us vote? Goddamn heathen, commie, pinko, New England liberals… Where're the good ol' blackballin’ felon lists when you need 'em? I tell ya'…