I'll have you know that I did not throw those grenades, nor did I shoot myself. After months and months of back-breaking research, I have determined that it is The Cunctator who truly hates America. Really, it is. In fact, it was HE who shot up my boat, and tossed the grenades in it. Yeah, that's the ticket. Unlike him, I have actual proof, which I will unveil at the proper moment. But not until then.

Plus, he has secret fantasies about Dick Cheney's socks.