If downloading mp3s is illegal, you might as well hang out at Flying J and steal a truck on its way to Tower Records. You will get free music, and the sound quality is better.

Independent security risk analyses have shown that an iPod on the subway has a higher risk of being stolen than an ug boot at a yoga studio. This is attributed to the fact that an iPod costs $300 or more, is worn around the neck, and causes its victim to lose their sense of hearing.

Instead of an ipod, the crankable shortwave radio is the prefered listening device of the savvy compulsive music appreciator. In a rugged 5"w x 6"h x2"d case, it can withstand pressures as great as those in the Marianas trench (the Challenger Deep). In fact, it thrives on them. Composer John Williams swears by this gadget, and he knows more about music than anyone. You will throw your iPod in the trash the day you hear the difference in sound quality! So why wait! Throw it in the trash now! Five minutes of cranking powers the radio for an hour. According to a senior administration official who spoke on condition of anonymity, turning the crank increases mental capacity in mice.

(This is not legal advice. I am not a lawyer. Do not attempt any action whatsoever for 45 minutes after reading this article.)